LISA LAMPANELLI 02.24.17..mp3

Friday, February 24th


Transcript - Not for consumer use. Robot overlords only. Will not be accurate.

Born July 19 in trumbull Connecticut. A graduate of both Syracuse and Harvard university's. She gave up a career in journalism to loan to. Good standup comedy that has found her becoming the tough canceled comedienne of her generation. From numerous celebrities. Boosts in appearance on Celebrity Apprentice the Grammy. David album and her tireless charity work she has cemented her status as America's work being that we need. And one week from tonight she returned to Kansas City for the rescheduled show every uptown theater. Please welcome longtime friend of the show Lisa Lampanelli. Me and all my what you guys than rocket. Do you believe once mr. has been. You know why. Offer but I offered to give them that I. I got a note. I am the real good come on line and you might say hey Al strap for you bitch any time you thought. Yes I can imagine what your reaction. If some guy tried to drop a notch and you you do it opposed to what she thinks gonna happen. Oh my god. But that's what you might even put in on the good place. I want order you've played. Without. My whole life is the law and order at you if you understand me and I'm only one would come near me like you grudge against in an airport I just yell right. I. You I don't care I don't lumber up targeted now is it learning that right he's that actor come up in the correct all the ones who can't even talk the I just simply practiced that it and and then all year. Yeah humorist art in all of you remember. Aren't you who are out of 00. Which I'm sure let me tell you something weird. And alert. But he George and Chris is rebounds were all that you wanna see something got him crazy. Shirt. Pulls a website at ten years ago and risk a hard days doing you know she was sexually assault. Which is on its admiral. On which Dugard. She's part of an organization that believes that dole can remove the trauma. Of sexual assault if you get in the water with so it's like a ball and shooting archery teams. And my buddy George side is losing his mind. And all he got into it because so apparently what you've got to use rich bitch is an open pool at school yet. It. Yeah thanks so much that. A Smart guy you now. That's become like they're a running terrible joke about the good golf people bring up ladies. You know. But it. I ain't got no rape behind for I don't know why. She's so that shall we does not and now. Well she she actually hear the that would bar. I'd love what they show those all day marathon of as you all the time Al yeah when it it will bad. When it like about the he had numerous artists say it was a joke a little chubby one after the childbirth. With your child birth weight I'd. Whenever baby. True or you didn't have the breast milk to to help decrease you know is when women breast. Mothers at all might well by the way if it was don't compromise show you can't pick on. Of course a joke because that you know that people my people I didn't let them sit next to me on an airplane. Unlike the other and back to remember the old days out of that it's. You. I was are fine with me then it stopped saying. And I knew that I. I I buildings or obviously people would look at what I would suspect a lot of playing and they got extreme greens get on the last air you know. May not want it like it's new word of god that you have to yell at my love handles a bump into the plane crashed. I'd like now like they all got people who aren't as he's not a plane that next for me. If I sit next to fat people because they don't talk they're too busy Cilic. This is going to be great you've got to add an ice storm came in and the work at large are incredible night and now rescheduled for next Saturday at some excited about that's going to be great. Get people thought might happen but we know whatever got hurt that. Effort that we're wise and outlook become you guys right. And it literally it was like. The way it say that corporate blog that this week. We get it that literally the capital flows to drive with all. We're pulling. At the crack nipple devastating public cripple them basically I'd come entered city that no way. Let. If you the cardinals baby arms it's just all. You are but the work or get it anyway I thought that care yeah you really hurt his feelings if you don't answer him by the way. But what we're here but never RR. GE did you friends. Are. I. Our he's got triplets now many subtle isn't a hard couple three years he's got triplets. Now that night but not how he did good I got were prevalent here but that now what happened to be in the shelves. Like I'll sleep than that I show that I believe it's not like dining out the fact that connect with everybody that's what they've gotten here aren't sure. Very good friend mine and the connection now that it needs you without even going further a my career. So I feel like you know and other people out of. Somebody's got god give your lip and Alec yet you also saw people that the liberty out here. Your big deal again you can wondering about you don't live. You can have your apartment at trump building where eighties he's wearing the presidency did you did you was the other what trump building by the by the park closer to the park which we were you. Hear what happened on Mike check this out. Three years ago when he injured people were so man you almost bought a place in one of the trump building. And thank god didn't Alka I think that was protests at all obviously the belt I avoid all that there of this different buildings. At the body but I'll buy those guys you know what if you if you get the building don't like Hillary. You've got to Wear pants suit look like a big let. I know what I don't what the site. It looked like a list followed that he's not an hour outside alert means that they're equal way of life and I trucker but he's not. Eight you're too sexy for that you look did you look like a lesbian Netherlands call you short there. I'm clueless. Into what people don't understand. There are no other 55 year old on the planet that rocket hairdo a hot topic he sure okay. This U I at the end of the day of the greatest comedian. Insult for sure and and sharpest I've ever known and I truly mean it like up I'll have a talent. A friend here in this Mickey who's never seen you I go hey bring your husband who's the most uptight ultra white country music program director in the country music hall of fame like. You'd brought him oh you would you would eat his soul and it would taste so good. What did you hit home Republican if you don't want to ask for Bono. These are anal. He had any looks to panel looks he'd metro looking to kind of looks like in a bear and Simon Cowell. But not. A horrible teacher it's he kind of put together that way too so it's such an easy to her did Jesus is he's very he's got to get in radio ladies devastatingly handsome and Dixon's Arnold. Come to this relevant that we hit a sort of got I would make audience sort of didn't. Said well. Listen I'm gonna be kidding me. People wait in line to get duped by you have not seen anything too used to the front row trying to get noticed it just a lack of lesbians and gays and guys wreak its. It's catch me here and they're trying to get the gun pointed at them and I'm like what are you doing this is coming. Lot like what I don't see Rickles outlet so honored if you like autumn and utter and that's what people like. Why didn't you used adjusted gross automatic that that uttered. They ought to fight but there are so little respect and peek into McDonald's spot. Yeah. I wouldn't marry you I am gonna marry it's happened. I bet that big dot let's have a pact. Look at. It was packed and people say well if we don't fight on but whatever age about you mean we don't mind somebody that is part or separately we partly due. Yes yes. We will we will we will makes we loved each other will will be angry and you I'm gonna keep drinking and know that you eagle would you might start drinking again eighties or we could. I don't give a crap that equity. It helps doesn't get some heroin and English is really you know and yeah it's like wow wouldn't it. The loose. I've I sort of got I that we normally I'm gonna eat like there's no tomorrow yet about the donkey I don't care. I'm gonna smoke again and put it back cigarettes amateur even Mormon you drugs again. My drive in my eyes close to me it's just I'm just I'm not forgiven god you know condoms nothing it's gonna be a 180 bird orgy. We're where had to build where I haven't checked the belt yeah and I. Well let it get him or at least. Open all bad if it didn't. Eight you could quite. Restrict this so hard with this outburst might be able I'm not even did get regular fat but Wal-Mart that I'm gonna get yelled eat bat a. Oh good so good like that crane you out of the picture window for. All eyes locked with Corina it would go. There yet in the etiquette. It's that it would be so good he should do you have to work really hard this weapon you have to. You know did you she goes you look at the let me an and then for the bypassed and then they blow it up or they just be defeated in the UK and elegant. Oh yeah we love apple and at carton well. Quart cartons silica gardens she's constantly blown up. And also where Ralph we may have surgery twice in early. I I'm I'm determined not to be eight put those people I mean. Both the ball out bear in bear at second of all it's all about ego my seat like on the right pat I'm looking and Leo I mean I might not integrated from the neck up well from the neck down and quote some of which twelve. I. Do you. Atlas you you I know you you laser focus when you're it has no matter what it is if you're if you're getting something done you're gonna do it has spoken where you're gonna do would you do and probably gonna do it can get divorced if you're gonna murder Kregg wager you're gonna do. I'm good at me I'm not I never leave well enough alone I just got to keep our eye on and the like. And you know what it's worse with age that you go. Oh my god I only have like 3040 years left I'd better do everything and keep that ball well so. Eight and thank god I'm alive you know but I'll look that are like if I. She. That's it. It'd be easier would it. It killed my eye opener because she said and I don't dare. You this story that the team's average. That awesome but when they called me yet that wanted to know about the white house correspondents' dinner you can get out what they're actually show that thing. It's Jesus Christ manners what an ugly weird thing that's happening with us now thank you by the way I've got to be filled we've just juiced. Just that refugee I just because it's not about politics anymore it's about absurdity of humanity and I'm talking forget about the president everybody does. I know he let you don't you're not the death. The crybaby left which I am definitely liberal. But I'm like Jesus crush you guys entered in the policies like everybody's a policy or angry racist in my blew it. I care. People there's two extreme that it kind of out that the middle which is like I was like theological let's like get things done. I mean hey if we get involved be American get a wall up seven on the effort gaps. I joke of course indicate that he's very seriously now. I kidding days they'll get married get the crate and barrel registry I'm behind guilt. Listen they can be as unhappy as anyone else right lamp. All Mike Dodd obviously at some but why they want it that they have the perfect. Perfect way of getting had to get married we came out and Albania. Yeah. It's it's crazy to me I'm like I've spent my whole electorate dodged a bullet amp and it really come up with some some intricate ways to get them. Just got a new guy who doesn't really know. Do you really have got that well this is great because honestly lie I don't. I I really respect Eric I tell you how I would ever make you work I just heat glowing and I don't quote the same page of every yet that I marry. I don't know how people doing it like. How bad that. Now he's do you approach you do have to realize like it will end badly but I just know until it's not gonna cheater you know him and you know immigrant and normally in the I stay with a long time. Right by just now man says McKinney centers no upset what's the upside. I don't need it I seen in some couples that very few. Literally like one out of 78. In these idiotic Sergei guys. I don't know how I'd make it work with the lead we need that because although it should ever shut up. The U in my lesbian friends Snooki I've watched a few different. Every three months and ask with a girlfriend just as they've moved in with a different broad. But right you know what you know I unfortunately will always attract the ugly guy like I always wonder what they watch. The pick. There's no I. That was given the other what was once flowed along like buying the mart target and the dolphins. I'm excited about in this matchup because it's you. That one of the great things about you and the company you rate is it's always in the moment like you. You're you follow history and society in such a great way that it's it's it's constantly moving and that I think that's the real strength to. Ultimately I could imagine it would be in the log book as. Did the same routine over and over and some of those guys make it work. What is fighting. All my is what do the same thing and that they emerge in all I guarantee during much which will be made fun of you will cry. You will hear roast of Donald Trump. And you will see my big musical number at the end which you haven't seen yet John that will. Let's here's what we need more than ever. We we've spent so much time it's good again Padua never stops and spent so much time either trying to become so divisive and have our own segment gross special nobody wants to be this magical thing. Instead of just being just human eggs look bad I did you hear your credit your bank is it is we worked worked but it doesn't matter to me. So in many other citizens people what you pricks and when you go to a live show you get everybody from every conceivable. Combination. Everybody takes one on the cheap and everybody left in the end you realize. It world all yet like. Every race creed color sexual nomination even though those those those people. They're kind of brownish in May warship that got with the eight armed the public on. The it. Lisa Lampanelli. And so it's odd that they can't you tell me. Yet that number come out if you don't sit in the back for that again I am in now Paula and Alpine get your ever say. Who just to be a great time if you have a friend who's really hard court at trump supporter and they don't know who is bring a ticket and bring him to. All that opt out. All of last week I have that it worked somebody like little joke for the and I Miller Alan duke but like. I would like them flown about twelve. And I mean obviously you don't need John came maker about doing that or shell. I don't turn a polite guy wouldn't they do in life. Coward like it's not a political shall not senator I'm not trying to make a point. I think one of the guys here in middle and colored you know are you kidding me. But at that. Did the emotional fifteen you'll receive an expletive at that point he did the right thing by hiding had he stood out. He slowly bleeding from his famous. Are that the things like that but certainly opening act by opening acting gig I felt like in all technical analytical. And he like away at UC coming out back of the bunny slopes ladies they are with us. It. Triple triple. Triangle. In the scene at. Steep slopes there. She's double black diamond that. You'll at all where would that be great to get them out you didn't see any off Sachs group. You're you're the F five. I'd wait and say Nikki tiger at the top in such a want to go or just. Did you hate you to which about earlier he got divorced. And she. Should. House intimately she just released this crazy but it's movies and yet based whole album she. It is on divorce and life in one of the songs simply called I want you you're nine holes. You will love hate you all will will get and I was mag well. It's it's a really good effort. Oh what a back often said that and he also imagine that rolls of fat she that it sucked in. I. I mean I achieve that they thought that there there and they. You gotta get the right it but I think correctly Alba. He'd say butterfly world they'd let you sure there. You. Oh well in the moment how many of you in the camp city. You are wonderful if you like the queen to meet you are Lisa Lampanelli. And that she'll be this Friday coming up one week from tonight pledged or the uptown theater. We'll be there will be the only guy can't wait to see him. I'll be starting beg you I love you I love Kansas City that I will be there are many who like it was it all about it.